I don't really know what to write. My life has been upside down for a few weeks and I'm finally gaining control over... everything.

Eric is being strange. I know he reads this now so I don't know what to say...

He treats me coldly, like an acquaintence. With his other friends, he is warm and silly. With me he is distant and reserved. He says he needs to put me into the mold of his other friendships because we're no longer lovers. Well, fine, but that's not what he's doing. He's creating a whole new mold for how he thinks we should be and I hate it. With everone else he is affectionate, warm, and kind. He cares. He let's others laugh and feel his happiness. I get none of that, like I'm an outcast.

Eric, this isn't us. I'm absolutely done with this bullshit. If you want to be US again, let me know. Until then, I am so absolutely done.

This wall is bullshit. This distance makes me feel like i've known you for 10 minutes, not almost a year. If you want to throw all that we have away, fine. But at least be straight with me, don't treat me like I'm done newcomer that doesn't deserve your fucking company.

What happened to honesty? What happened to loyalty and trust? Fuck you and the fucking massive horse you rode in on.

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location: : US, California, Orange, Anaheim, S Harbor Blvd, 1092

Life is amazing and ever-changing. I have 200 things to say, but lately words fail me. I promise I haven't forgotten this new adventure of mine here, and I will write something soon. Promise.

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location: : US, California, Orange, Anaheim, W Pampas Ln, 1696

I don't know what to say. Sometimes I'm ok and sometimes I'm not....

Just now, I posted something depressing as my facebook status and received a link to a song I'd never heard before as a comment. The song was "Incomplete" by Alanis Morrisette and - though I was sobbing while listening - it was perfect for that moment.

I have been running sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

Her words just hit me square in the chest. I know I am growing through this heartache, this lonliness, these constant mental battles I have of my dreams versus my reality... but I really wish I could find my center a bit more quickly.

I am losing myself in all this with Eric; I don't know who I am anymore. Shanti is lost in all these tears and all this ache... she's gone with the tide and is now lost at sea. I don't think she'll ever be the same, if she should even return.

The I Ching said we were to go from Conflict to The Source. I think that shift took place on Tuesday. And in accordance with its regular correctness, today it says I am moving from The Source to Limitations - if I am to find myself again, that is.

"Avoid extremes in behavior - curb extremes in promises, projections and passions. Limit the extent of your attachments."

(hello)

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location: : US, California, Orange, Anaheim, S Harbor Blvd, 1092

The weather here in California is finally becoming temperate again, which means - if I'm to hold true to the promises I make myself - it's time for me to start running again. I'm excited and scared for this... It's been a while!

And excluding this Eric insanity, everything in my life is going very well, especially work. I'm nearly finished with my first book publishing project ever - thrilling! :D

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location: : US, California, Orange, Anaheim, S Harbor Blvd, 1092

The last few days have been a blur of tears and laughter and deep conversations. Eric has practically not left my side since Saturday night...

He's a rare breed.

What was very recently emotional disaster has rapidly evolved into new connection and immensely deep revelations about who we really are to one another. Sometimes it hurts - the "rejection" - and I allow myself to experience it... and then sometimes I feel better than ever before, and I embrace that. I don't know how I was able to so quickly transition from defeated to liberated...

Eric's and my energies have been shifting so rapidly, I really don't know if I can even consider him or myself now to be the same people as we were a few hours ago. I am refraining from labeling as much as possible - emotions, desires, uncertainties - while I experience this right now.

I am overwhelmingly relieved to find that through everything, Eric and I are both steadfast in our commitment to this friendship. Its endurance is, thus far, impressive.

Tags: eric, life, love
location: : Home

I have been an absolute mess all day. I had dreams last night (when I did sleep) that Eric was trying to fuck every woman around but me, and I was crying uncontrollably and throwing things at him... I woke up sobbing.

He came over and stayed here all day today and allowed me to wail and to shake silently, to throw things everywhere and to collapse. He held my hand. Sometimes it was okay and we even laughed, and then I would start up again and feel completely hopeless.

Sometimes we just sat there in calm meditation, loving one another. And it was in those moments when I remembered the depth of our love for each other, and WHY we are best friends.

Feeling that collective energy with Eric, without attachment or expectation, allowed me for some breif moments of clarity and serinity. Deep within me I know that this connection is why he and I will never be separated, lovers or no, because we can both arrive at that place within our beings together and we both understand it. I hope I can fully and regularly embrace that state of consciousness someday.

Now, however, I feel like Ryan (see 2003) is leaving me all over again, and I'm getting some epic karmic retribution for leaving, in turn, David, Glenn, Sean, and Greg when they least expected it. This thought alone sends me into another downward spiral...

It feels like another lifetime ago when I was last this depressed, empty, and hysterical.

And to think, I didn't think this would happen! I honestly thought maybe there was a place for me with Eric and James! I feel like the world's biggest idiot.

It seems a very cruel irony that the one time I finally mean business about coming back to LJ - and take the time to really put my love for Eric into words - this all happens. It makes me think that I will always be a dramatic mess in some respect. That's really so unfair, too, because I think I am the most even-handed and pragmatic of all the people I know. At the very least, I rarely spend days on end crying my eyes out.

In many respects, things with Eric and me will not change... we will probably still see one another nearly every day. We'll still hug and create and learn together.... And there may, yet, be another day where we just laugh at one another and love life together.

Until then, I think, I'm just going to have to accept my status as a newly-turned 15-year-old-emo-kid and embrace it the best I can. I might need to dig out my old glittery black-black eyeliner, which is I guess the silver lining in all of this.

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location: : US, California, Orange, Anaheim, W Pampas Ln, 1693

Last night, Eric told me that he can't "be romantic" with me anymore... like you can just turn it off. He says it puts his marriage at risk now. This is an abrupt shock to me.

I am broken on the floor.

I feel like an idiot girl for falling in love with a married man and believing it would all work out in my favor, regardless. I ACTUALLY believed him when he told me all he did about who I am to him. I believed his heart was as strongly attached to me as mine is to him. I was, am, and will forever be... wrong.

I feel betrayed. I feel hoodwinked; I feel manipulated. I can't breathe, I have hardly been able to sleep. I can't stem the flow of tears...

I am utterly alone.

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location: : US, California, Orange, Anaheim, 5

Nicole is blatantly all up on Eric while he's drunk. I want to rip her face off.

In other news, I am descently inebriated and gave my phone number to the beautiful male almost-stripper :P Gorgeous.

Ughhhhhhhhh

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location: : US, California, Los Angeles, West Hollywood, N San Vicente Blvd, 832

Over the last few years, I have made several honest attempts to start up this journal again, only to abandon it due to lack of time or lack of something to write about, or -- honestly - wondering to myself, "What's the POINT?" I think, in the end, the point is reflection... and I need that right now.

A long, long time ago, this was a place for me to write to my friends. An honest (albiet a bit contrived) place for me to drop my thoughts and let them go out to the small gathering of friends who were on here as well. We thought we were so incredibly important; we thought we were SO deep. Sometimes we were deep, but I think most deepness was lost amidst all the nonsense that went on here.

Later, this became both a personal journal and a Harry Potter fanfic journal, and later still, a newsletter for HP slashfic, primarily of the Harry/Draco or Sirius/Remus variety (which later became incredibile ). I was MAD about Harry Potter and am - to this day - a raving fan, although I no longer read fanfic.

As I carried on chronicling my nutty life as a tour guide-turned-secretary-turned-cookie-designer-turned-shipping-coordinator who was sleeping with her boss, in love with her accountant, and buried in an insane amount of debt, I think I lost focus. This journal became the somewhat-sensored, typically vulgar blathering of another all-too-eager twentysomething in need of attention. And then I found Sean, and started working at home, and didn't need to be here anymore.

Hmm.

I've changed immensely in the last few years, but in the end I am just the same person. I don't need the attention anymore (I get enough of that) and I find that I desire less and less of both other people's approval or opinion on my life, but I still do need to reflect. So here I am :)

Now, I feel again like I need to record my life somewhere. Not my weight-loss life, not my financial-life, but ME - that person that sometimes hides behind all those other MEs. Recently I tried journaling in a JOURNAL (of all places), but I find that handwriting more than a couple of pages becomes tedious (how DID Shaw and Campbell do it?) and it's no longer for me.

So here I am. It's a rather lame introduction, I know. I'm not even sure any of you who used to read this are still around. But I suppose that's irrelevant, seeing as how I'm doing this for me ;)

Tags: journal, life, update
location: : Home
mood:: artistic

The ache that haunts my insides
that
like a dark water
laps quietly down deep
rises from nowhere.
My limbs curl and heave
tension
with some painful release yet achieved.
I cry out and gasp,
my words broken and choking
and somehow
through my sobs
and hurt
I fall into peace.

You dull the hurt - allow me to
release.


I've never been into writing poetry at all, ever, and for some reason these days it's pouring out of me. I don't really care if it's good or not - it feels good to just get it down :)

Tags: love, writing
location: : sean's place
mood:: awake

Priceless.




I haven't laughed so hard at work in weeks. OMFG :D

location: : work
mood:: amused

I want! I want!!!

( unnhh! )

Look at this top! Marc Jacobs OWNS.
*pout*

mood:: cheerful

Whispery kisses, a languid afternoon. Gentle words behind hushed smiles.

This is what I dream of. This is what I have. I lay alone in bed, the memories ripe, fresh in my mind. I long for his hands.

Knowing this feeling, I learn: I have never missed anyone before, if this is missing.

Tags: life, love
location: : work
mood:: bored

I need to do stuff.

Gah!

I have to work on this one website... and I still need to do the dishes (I seem to always need to do the dishes).

Instead, I will just lay in bed with Sean, yet another long evening this week, and listen to him whisper sweet things to me, holding me, smiling into my mouth. We'll make love, and laugh hard, and sleep.

Sweet bliss. So perfect, so perfect.
We're being lazy.


It's not so bad ;)
Sometimes you have to create your own little world to make the other, bigger one bearable.

Tags: life, love
mood:: calm

--
Incendiary glance
Become and collide in me
Zoom in enhance
Hold while I go helplessly
Sky high, magic eye, sugar rush -
Don't stop!

I must be dreaming or
We're onto something
Hey just whatcha make me for...
I don't fall in love lawlessly
I must be dreaming or
Pinch me to waking
So undeniably yours
As long as I'm losing it so completely.
--

Imogen does a good job of describing it for me, so I don't have to.

Tags: love
location: : work
mood:: yay

For what seems like weeks now, I have been perpetually, highly aroused. I mean, I am always a very passionate, tactile, lusting person, but lately it's been, like, in serious overdrive. Everything is so hot, so sensual, so deliciously sexy that I'm just *flailing* continually. What's happening?! I spend my moments alone fantasizing, or enjoying how soft my clothes feel, or how beautiful the sunset is. I feel like I'm in love with everything, and I want to touch everyone. Is there E in the water? WTF.


Small in-car-en-route thought of the day:
I don't get guys who don't want to kiss during sex. I can understand that certain positions or moods can create a situation or atmosphere where kissing isn't really what you're doing together, and in those times I'm totally down with the not kissing. But seriously - what about up against the wall? Fast, deliberate, full-on lust; it's a situation just made for kissing. Or missionary, when it's slow and heavy, hot. These are times for the kissing, men! What is wrong with you guys??

:D

Tags: life, sex
mood:: rawr

Things are weird right now. In this instant I am simultaneously very happy and very irritated with my life, and I'm unsure how to go about changing that. The unhappy part, anyway.

When I boil it down to the pulp, the real truth of the problem is that I'm split on my feelings about everything. I'm going to break it down here, and perhaps in writing about it I'll come to some understanding.


01. Boys, Boys, Boys
Aside from being a fun song by Sabrina, this is a mixed-feeling topic for me. I came upon the realization a few weeks ago that I genuinely want to fall in love right now. It's like springtime hit me over the head (and it's still cold out, wtf) and I'm just craving something sweet, whirlwind and passionate. I want something fun. I want someone to wish I was there like I wish they were here; I want someone who will stay under the covers with me all of Sunday and find himself making stupid inside jokes with me without meaning to; I want someone to love. I guess I'm conflicted over this feeling because at the same time, it's not like I'm not having fun right now in the meantime. I guess that's the end point, though: I feel like the now is the meantime. All these guys who call me up, who I drink with or see movies with, all the guys who claim to love spending time with me, don't really want anything serious. There's only one guy in my life who I think could actually care about me, and he's in a weird place right now.

Gah. I am not writing this to cause drama, and I hope it doesn't cause any. I just want to be real here. :-/

After all is said and done, all the men in my life right now are either with me to have sex or to fill the time between video games and work, and that's not who I want to be to them. That's not who I AM, and I deserve better. I want someone to push me against a wall and kiss me hard and tell me that they couldn't stop thinking about me all day and I'm the only one for them. I've had that before, and I damn well want it again.

How dumb.


02. SGF
Work tears me in two right now. I love my job - it's crazy, fast-paced, progressive and ever-changing, and challenging. But it's also endlessly frustrating and complicated in ways it shouldn't be. I'm surrounded by two kinds of people: those who know their shit and pull things off that we all thought impossible, and those who are full of BS and don't do anything as efficiently or realistically as they should. I'm really tired of the latter, and I fear that when I move over and up, even out of this job, that in the corporate world I'm just going to be facing the same kind of idiocy over and over again. But then I think, well isn't that the whole world? I WILL have to deal with people that are morons no matter where I go or what I do, no? Bah - and then I'm back at square one, caring about being happy with everything and at the same time knowing that there will always be annoying things that I cannot change.

I'm still hoping that maybe this job at Tyco will happen, but that's sort of ambiguous and slow-going right now, and I really don't want to be counting on it. That would probably just lead to disappointment. I also don't honestly want to start applying for jobs right now, either. It's such a grueling process and it will probably yield nothing anyway, and I wonder what's the point of it all if I'm comfortable at my job now?


03. Web Design
This has actually taken off in numerous ways and I'm having a lot of fun. I am plagued with self-doubt though, thinking perpetually that I'm not good enough and that I'll never find it lucrative enough to be a full-time thing. I get all annoyed with myself for thinking these things, and then proud that I think them because that leads to growth, and then annoyed again that I keep turning everything into self-improvement lessons instead of just being and seeing where things go. I guess the only thing I can do with this is keep learning and reviewing and hopefully keep getting better at what I'm doing, in the hopes that things keep going as well as they have been.


04. Debt
When will it finally end?! AGH! *pulls out hair*
I feel like no matter how little I spend and how hard I work to pay it off, debt goes down so slowly that it'll never be gone. I hate this place, and I don't want to be here. The easiest solution is to just make more money and keep paying everything I earn to the CC companies, but that brings me round to problems 2 and 3 again, an I'm lost on those two still.


I guess all is well in the end, I just can't shake this feeling of dissatisfaction.

Seeing my sisters in Chicago was awesome. Namasté is doing SO well and it was fantastic seeing her. It was great seeing all of my family, actually. I love them ALL! I adore my cousins. I wish that there were more times to go to Chicago - and more times when everyone would be in one place at once. Allison, Erica and Abbey are still some of the coolest people around. The six of us make quite a show to anyone watching :P


Come, fly with me;
Come,
Let's fall in love.

Tags: family, life, love, work
location: : home, desk
mood:: tired
listening to:: Liebe - Ayla

Ahhhfh, the flist is owning me. :/

I didn't go to work today because I got home so very, very late last night. Ah, well, it'll be crazy tomorrow >.<

I'm leaving for Chicago tomorrow!
Ack! I need to do laundry and pack and stuff.

I got a new purse/laptop bag yesterday and it is so pretty! *hugs bag* It's red leather and soft and yummy-smelling and I love it. However, this means retirement of my old bag which I have had and used faithfully for five years. Sadly, I adore that old bag like it's my CHILD. *tear* But it is past the stage of "wearing out" and has been in the "falling apart" category for well over a year now and it's time to move on.

I slept upwards of eleven hours last night and I feel amazing. \:D/

However, work has killed me dead, and I'm so ready to be off already. SBUX shipping is a very delicate, detailed thing, and I'm only halfway done scheduling/coordinating the current run. Don't even get me STARTED on Albertson's/Weis Markets/Harris Teeter/Safeway/UWG. Oh God! All the grocery warehouses have gone to shit, and the managers are assholes and never talk to the buyers, and the brokers have their heads so far up their own asses that they don't even know WHAT'S going on even though I email them 34870345 times a day and all they do is complain and complain and complain... ugh. Oh, and BROKERS: it helps if you get us a PO more than ONE DAY before you needed it shipped. Can we make two truckloads of cookies in one day? I don't fucking think so. Nono. Sorry. You're going to have to wait.

-.-

I love shipping logistics, though. I could do that full-time given the opportunity. Alas.

Tags: life, work
mood:: awake

EVERYONE! Get TWITTER NOW.

Seriously. I am so fucking obsessed it is SAD.

I am incroyable over there too, naturally...



GET IT NOW OMG I WANT TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!!!!1



>_>

Tags: friends
location: : home, desk
mood:: :">