The ache that haunts my insides
that
like a dark water
laps quietly down deep
rises from nowhere.
My limbs curl and heave
tension
with some painful release yet achieved.
I cry out and gasp,
my words broken and choking
and somehow
through my sobs
and hurt
I fall into peace.

You dull the hurt - allow me to
release.


I've never been into writing poetry at all, ever, and for some reason these days it's pouring out of me. I don't really care if it's good or not - it feels good to just get it down :)

Tags: love, writing
location: : sean's place
mood:: awake

Priceless.




I haven't laughed so hard at work in weeks. OMFG :D

location: : work
mood:: amused

I want! I want!!!

( unnhh! )

Look at this top! Marc Jacobs OWNS.
*pout*

mood:: cheerful

Whispery kisses, a languid afternoon. Gentle words behind hushed smiles.

This is what I dream of. This is what I have. I lay alone in bed, the memories ripe, fresh in my mind. I long for his hands.

Knowing this feeling, I learn: I have never missed anyone before, if this is missing.

Tags: life, love
location: : work
mood:: bored

I need to do stuff.

Gah!

I have to work on this one website... and I still need to do the dishes (I seem to always need to do the dishes).

Instead, I will just lay in bed with Sean, yet another long evening this week, and listen to him whisper sweet things to me, holding me, smiling into my mouth. We'll make love, and laugh hard, and sleep.

Sweet bliss. So perfect, so perfect.
We're being lazy.


It's not so bad ;)
Sometimes you have to create your own little world to make the other, bigger one bearable.

Tags: life, love
mood:: calm

--
Incendiary glance
Become and collide in me
Zoom in enhance
Hold while I go helplessly
Sky high, magic eye, sugar rush -
Don't stop!

I must be dreaming or
We're onto something
Hey just whatcha make me for...
I don't fall in love lawlessly
I must be dreaming or
Pinch me to waking
So undeniably yours
As long as I'm losing it so completely.
--

Imogen does a good job of describing it for me, so I don't have to.

Tags: love
location: : work
mood:: yay

For what seems like weeks now, I have been perpetually, highly aroused. I mean, I am always a very passionate, tactile, lusting person, but lately it's been, like, in serious overdrive. Everything is so hot, so sensual, so deliciously sexy that I'm just *flailing* continually. What's happening?! I spend my moments alone fantasizing, or enjoying how soft my clothes feel, or how beautiful the sunset is. I feel like I'm in love with everything, and I want to touch everyone. Is there E in the water? WTF.


Small in-car-en-route thought of the day:
I don't get guys who don't want to kiss during sex. I can understand that certain positions or moods can create a situation or atmosphere where kissing isn't really what you're doing together, and in those times I'm totally down with the not kissing. But seriously - what about up against the wall? Fast, deliberate, full-on lust; it's a situation just made for kissing. Or missionary, when it's slow and heavy, hot. These are times for the kissing, men! What is wrong with you guys??

:D

Tags: life, sex
mood:: rawr

Things are weird right now. In this instant I am simultaneously very happy and very irritated with my life, and I'm unsure how to go about changing that. The unhappy part, anyway.

When I boil it down to the pulp, the real truth of the problem is that I'm split on my feelings about everything. I'm going to break it down here, and perhaps in writing about it I'll come to some understanding.


01. Boys, Boys, Boys
Aside from being a fun song by Sabrina, this is a mixed-feeling topic for me. I came upon the realization a few weeks ago that I genuinely want to fall in love right now. It's like springtime hit me over the head (and it's still cold out, wtf) and I'm just craving something sweet, whirlwind and passionate. I want something fun. I want someone to wish I was there like I wish they were here; I want someone who will stay under the covers with me all of Sunday and find himself making stupid inside jokes with me without meaning to; I want someone to love. I guess I'm conflicted over this feeling because at the same time, it's not like I'm not having fun right now in the meantime. I guess that's the end point, though: I feel like the now is the meantime. All these guys who call me up, who I drink with or see movies with, all the guys who claim to love spending time with me, don't really want anything serious. There's only one guy in my life who I think could actually care about me, and he's in a weird place right now.

Gah. I am not writing this to cause drama, and I hope it doesn't cause any. I just want to be real here. :-/

After all is said and done, all the men in my life right now are either with me to have sex or to fill the time between video games and work, and that's not who I want to be to them. That's not who I AM, and I deserve better. I want someone to push me against a wall and kiss me hard and tell me that they couldn't stop thinking about me all day and I'm the only one for them. I've had that before, and I damn well want it again.

How dumb.


02. SGF
Work tears me in two right now. I love my job - it's crazy, fast-paced, progressive and ever-changing, and challenging. But it's also endlessly frustrating and complicated in ways it shouldn't be. I'm surrounded by two kinds of people: those who know their shit and pull things off that we all thought impossible, and those who are full of BS and don't do anything as efficiently or realistically as they should. I'm really tired of the latter, and I fear that when I move over and up, even out of this job, that in the corporate world I'm just going to be facing the same kind of idiocy over and over again. But then I think, well isn't that the whole world? I WILL have to deal with people that are morons no matter where I go or what I do, no? Bah - and then I'm back at square one, caring about being happy with everything and at the same time knowing that there will always be annoying things that I cannot change.

I'm still hoping that maybe this job at Tyco will happen, but that's sort of ambiguous and slow-going right now, and I really don't want to be counting on it. That would probably just lead to disappointment. I also don't honestly want to start applying for jobs right now, either. It's such a grueling process and it will probably yield nothing anyway, and I wonder what's the point of it all if I'm comfortable at my job now?


03. Web Design
This has actually taken off in numerous ways and I'm having a lot of fun. I am plagued with self-doubt though, thinking perpetually that I'm not good enough and that I'll never find it lucrative enough to be a full-time thing. I get all annoyed with myself for thinking these things, and then proud that I think them because that leads to growth, and then annoyed again that I keep turning everything into self-improvement lessons instead of just being and seeing where things go. I guess the only thing I can do with this is keep learning and reviewing and hopefully keep getting better at what I'm doing, in the hopes that things keep going as well as they have been.


04. Debt
When will it finally end?! AGH! *pulls out hair*
I feel like no matter how little I spend and how hard I work to pay it off, debt goes down so slowly that it'll never be gone. I hate this place, and I don't want to be here. The easiest solution is to just make more money and keep paying everything I earn to the CC companies, but that brings me round to problems 2 and 3 again, an I'm lost on those two still.


I guess all is well in the end, I just can't shake this feeling of dissatisfaction.

Seeing my sisters in Chicago was awesome. Namasté is doing SO well and it was fantastic seeing her. It was great seeing all of my family, actually. I love them ALL! I adore my cousins. I wish that there were more times to go to Chicago - and more times when everyone would be in one place at once. Allison, Erica and Abbey are still some of the coolest people around. The six of us make quite a show to anyone watching :P


Come, fly with me;
Come,
Let's fall in love.

Tags: family, life, love, work
location: : home, desk
mood:: tired
listening to:: Liebe - Ayla