i feel wonderful

Friday

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 18:18:40 GMT

The ache that haunts my insides
that
like a dark water
laps quietly down deep
rises from nowhere.
My limbs curl and heave
tension
with some painful release yet achieved.
I cry out and gasp,
my words broken and choking
and somehow
through my sobs
and hurt
I fall into peace.

You dull the hurt - allow me to
release.

I've never been into writing poetry at all, ever, and for some reason these days it's pouring out of me. I don't really care if it's good or not - it feels good to just get it down :)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHahahahahahahahhahaaa

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 16:36:36 GMT

Priceless.

I haven't laughed so hard at work in weeks. OMFG :D

LUST

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 17:26:28 GMT

I want! I want!!!

Look at this top! Marc Jacobs OWNS.
*pout*

mmhmmgh

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 21:26:44 GMT

Whispery kisses, a languid afternoon. Gentle words behind hushed smiles.

This is what I dream of. This is what I have. I lay alone in bed, the memories ripe, fresh in my mind. I long for his hands.

Knowing this feeling, I learn: I have never missed anyone before, if this is missing.

silly me

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 16:20:23 GMT

I need to do stuff.

Gah!

I have to work on this one website... and I still need to do the dishes (I seem to always need to do the dishes).

Instead, I will just lay in bed with Sean, yet another long evening this week, and listen to him whisper sweet things to me, holding me, smiling into my mouth. We'll make love, and laugh hard, and sleep.

Sweet bliss. So perfect, so perfect.
We're being lazy.

It's not so bad ;)
Sometimes you have to create your own little world to make the other, bigger one bearable.

I've fallen - and it's so undeniably wonderful :)

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 15:50:23 GMT

--
Incendiary glance
Become and collide in me
Zoom in enhance
Hold while I go helplessly
Sky high, magic eye, sugar rush -
Don't stop!

I must be dreaming or
We're onto something
Hey just whatcha make me for...
I don't fall in love lawlessly
I must be dreaming or
Pinch me to waking
So undeniably yours
As long as I'm losing it so completely.
--

Imogen does a good job of describing it for me, so I don't have to.

So this is interesting.

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 17:30:44 GMT

For what seems like weeks now, I have been perpetually, highly aroused. I mean, I am always a very passionate, tactile, lusting person, but lately it's been, like, in serious overdrive. Everything is so hot, so sensual, so deliciously sexy that I'm just *flailing* continually. What's happening?! I spend my moments alone fantasizing, or enjoying how soft my clothes feel, or how beautiful the sunset is. I feel like I'm in love with everything, and I want to touch everyone. Is there E in the water? WTF.

Small in-car-en-route thought of the day:
I don't get guys who don't want to kiss during sex. I can understand that certain positions or moods can create a situation or atmosphere where kissing isn't really what you're doing together, and in those times I'm totally down with the not kissing. But seriously - what about up against the wall? Fast, deliberate, full-on lust; it's a situation just made for kissing. Or missionary, when it's slow and heavy, hot. These are times for the kissing, men! What is wrong with you guys??

:D

Good, Bad, Good, Bad... Ungh!

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 00:43:34 GMT

Things are weird right now. In this instant I am simultaneously very happy and very irritated with my life, and I'm unsure how to go about changing that. The unhappy part, anyway.

When I boil it down to the pulp, the real truth of the problem is that I'm split on my feelings about everything. I'm going to break it down here, and perhaps in writing about it I'll come to some understanding.

01. Boys, Boys, Boys
Aside from being a fun song by Sabrina, this is a mixed-feeling topic for me. I came upon the realization a few weeks ago that I genuinely want to fall in love right now. It's like springtime hit me over the head (and it's still cold out, wtf) and I'm just craving something sweet, whirlwind and passionate. I want something fun. I want someone to wish I was there like I wish they were here; I want someone who will stay under the covers with me all of Sunday and find himself making stupid inside jokes with me without meaning to; I want someone to love. I guess I'm conflicted over this feeling because at the same time, it's not like I'm not having fun right now in the meantime. I guess that's the end point, though: I feel like the now is the meantime. All these guys who call me up, who I drink with or see movies with, all the guys who claim to love spending time with me, don't really want anything serious. There's only one guy in my life who I think could actually care about me, and he's in a weird place right now.

Gah. I am not writing this to cause drama, and I hope it doesn't cause any. I just want to be real here. :-/

After all is said and done, all the men in my life right now are either with me to have sex or to fill the time between video games and work, and that's not who I want to be to them. That's not who I AM, and I deserve better. I want someone to push me against a wall and kiss me hard and tell me that they couldn't stop thinking about me all day and I'm the only one for them. I've had that before, and I damn well want it again.

How dumb.

02. SGF
Work tears me in two right now. I love my job - it's crazy, fast-paced, progressive and ever-changing, and challenging. But it's also endlessly frustrating and complicated in ways it shouldn't be. I'm surrounded by two kinds of people: those who know their shit and pull things off that we all thought impossible, and those who are full of BS and don't do anything as efficiently or realistically as they should. I'm really tired of the latter, and I fear that when I move over and up, even out of this job, that in the corporate world I'm just going to be facing the same kind of idiocy over and over again. But then I think, well isn't that the whole world? I WILL have to deal with people that are morons no matter where I go or what I do, no? Bah - and then I'm back at square one, caring about being happy with everything and at the same time knowing that there will always be annoying things that I cannot change.

I'm still hoping that maybe this job at Tyco will happen, but that's sort of ambiguous and slow-going right now, and I really don't want to be counting on it. That would probably just lead to disappointment. I also don't honestly want to start applying for jobs right now, either. It's such a grueling process and it will probably yield nothing anyway, and I wonder what's the point of it all if I'm comfortable at my job now?

03. Web Design
This has actually taken off in numerous ways and I'm having a lot of fun. I am plagued with self-doubt though, thinking perpetually that I'm not good enough and that I'll never find it lucrative enough to be a full-time thing. I get all annoyed with myself for thinking these things, and then proud that I think them because that leads to growth, and then annoyed again that I keep turning everything into self-improvement lessons instead of just being and seeing where things go. I guess the only thing I can do with this is keep learning and reviewing and hopefully keep getting better at what I'm doing, in the hopes that things keep going as well as they have been.

04. Debt
When will it finally end?! AGH! *pulls out hair*
I feel like no matter how little I spend and how hard I work to pay it off, debt goes down so slowly that it'll never be gone. I hate this place, and I don't want to be here. The easiest solution is to just make more money and keep paying everything I earn to the CC companies, but that brings me round to problems 2 and 3 again, an I'm lost on those two still.

I guess all is well in the end, I just can't shake this feeling of dissatisfaction.

Seeing my sisters in Chicago was awesome. Namasté is doing SO well and it was fantastic seeing her. It was great seeing all of my family, actually. I love them ALL! I adore my cousins. I wish that there were more times to go to Chicago - and more times when everyone would be in one place at once. Allison, Erica and Abbey are still some of the coolest people around. The six of us make quite a show to anyone watching :P

Come, fly with me;
Come,
Let's fall in love.

friends omg

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 23:17:40 GMT

Ahhhfh, the flist is owning me. :/

I didn't go to work today because I got home so very, very late last night. Ah, well, it'll be crazy tomorrow >.<

Ahdfskjlkgdflgk

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 19:58:49 GMT

I'm leaving for Chicago tomorrow!
Ack! I need to do laundry and pack and stuff.

I got a new purse/laptop bag yesterday and it is so pretty! *hugs bag* It's red leather and soft and yummy-smelling and I love it. However, this means retirement of my old bag which I have had and used faithfully for five years. Sadly, I adore that old bag like it's my CHILD. *tear* But it is past the stage of "wearing out" and has been in the "falling apart" category for well over a year now and it's time to move on.

I slept upwards of eleven hours last night and I feel amazing. \:D/

However, work has killed me dead, and I'm so ready to be off already. SBUX shipping is a very delicate, detailed thing, and I'm only halfway done scheduling/coordinating the current run. Don't even get me STARTED on Albertson's/Weis Markets/Harris Teeter/Safeway/UWG. Oh God! All the grocery warehouses have gone to shit, and the managers are assholes and never talk to the buyers, and the brokers have their heads so far up their own asses that they don't even know WHAT'S going on even though I email them 34870345 times a day and all they do is complain and complain and complain... ugh. Oh, and BROKERS: it helps if you get us a PO more than ONE DAY before you needed it shipped. Can we make two truckloads of cookies in one day? I don't fucking think so. Nono. Sorry. You're going to have to wait.

-.-

I love shipping logistics, though. I could do that full-time given the opportunity. Alas.

le SIGH OMG I am obsessed...

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 08:24:07 GMT

EVERYONE! Get TWITTER NOW.

Seriously. I am so fucking obsessed it is SAD.

I am incroyable over there too, naturally...

GET IT NOW OMG I WANT TO ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!!!!1

>_>

HELP!

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 09:41:08 GMT

I don't get it.

And I should!!!11one

*flail*

One of you should damn well know and explain.

this is why I love friends:

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 19:43:01 GMT

longleggedgit: Are you going to Prophecy?
incroyable: I want to! But it's not likely to happen. I *am* buying a motorcycle, so perhaps I'll just bike to Prophecy. That would save me a lot of cash :D
longleggedgit: HOMG and biking to prophecy would be, like, hotter than anything. YOU'D BE SIRIUS BLACK AND ADIFJAE;OIFJE;F I COULD BE YER REMUS. :"> :"> :">
incroyable: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *flail*

♥♥♥♥♥♥
\:D/

for all you HP fans out there...

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 02:31:40 GMT

a "forgotten" poem:

BEASTS
By Richard Wilbur

Beasts in their major freedom
Slumber in peace tonight. The gull on his ledge
Dreams in the guts of himself the moon-plucked waves below,
And the sunfish leans on a stone, slept
By the lyric water,

In which the spotless feet
Of deer make dulcet splashes, and to which
The ripped mouse, safe in the owl's talon, cries
Concordance. Here there is no such harm
And no such darkness

As the selfsame moon observes
Where, warped in window-glass, it sponsors now
The werewolf's painful change. Turning his head away
On the sweaty bolster, he tries to remember
The mood of manhood,

But lies at last, as always,
Letting it happen, the fierce fur soft to his face,
Hearing with sharper ears the wind's exciting minors,
The leaves' panic, and the degradation
Of the heavy streams.

Meantime, at high windows
Far from thicket and pad-fall, suitors of excellence
Sigh and turn from their work to construe again the painful
Beauty of heaven, the lucid moon
And the risen hunter,

Making such dreams for men
As told will break their hearts as always, bringing
Monsters into the city, crows on the public statues,
Navies fed to the fish in the dark
Unbridled waters.

Lupin, anyone?
*clings*

Hey all :)

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 04:09:25 GMT

No, I haven't died. But life HAS eaten me.

Uh... updates:

1. Still work for the company. We were bought by another bigger one, now I work for Dilletante Chocolates, among other big companies... and I'm moving up and up... it's fun :)

2. I'm hotter now... lost weight, etc. LOL, no, I'm just happy.

3. Um, I still love techno. And HP!

4. wanderlusty moved in with me because I split with David (again) and our apartment is awesome and lovely.

5. I got a cat! Her name is Madison and as soon as I take pics I'll post them :P

6. I'm dating someone wonderful. Life is good.

Oh, and I love you all. I miss LJ.

<3!

Voice Post

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 07:41:09 GMT

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 02:50:07 GMT

Hey all!

Jason sent me an LJ nudge, so I thought I'd be nice and give an update. I've actually wanted to be updating for some time now, but just haven't been able to get to it. :(

Anyhow -- yes! Oh, MAN, has life changed. It's for the better, all of it, but it's sort of crazy.

01. I broke up with David about three weeks ago. He took it well... I don't think he wants to care though I'm sure it hurt him a lot. So the last few weeks have been all about arranging for his arrival back in the states. He got back from Italy on the 15th (Wed)... he found an apartment already and has been moving out both yesterday and today. I'm pretty much avoiding seeing him as much as I can because it's just to weird. But it's unavoidable sometimes because he is moving out of my apartment, after all.

02. I met someone. (!) His name is Glenn and he is more in alignment with my soul than anyone else has ever been, ever, and probably ever will be. We bring wach other so much joy! Oh, gosh, it's amazing. We're so, so in tune with each other. Ohhhhh :D We haven't done anything but kiss, and even then it's not often that we do, but we ARE monogamous. So there's THAT beautiful existance that I'm living out right now. I know I'm in love with him, but it would be crazy to admit it because that would make it real and we've only really known each other for, like, a month, and that just seems rushed. But it's there; there's no denying that.

How did we meet? On the phone. ON THE PHONE! Talk about a universal interverntion into my life >.< He called into Merlino's looking for cannoli and we ended up just talking about life and food and Italy and Chicago for like a half hour, until I said ummm... I should probably get back to work... ;) So we exchanged emails and then phone numbers and it just went from there.

He's 40.

Oh, GOD, I love older men. I don't know why I ever dick around with guys my age. *sigh* Well, not anymore :)

03. Namaste moved to Sacramento, CA, and seems to be doing very well. She's clean from all drugs and I believe her - for the first time. And she works at Starbucks. Actually, Ramana works at Starbucks too now so between the three of us, we ALL work for SBUX in some capacity :D LOL, I think it's funny. Nami isn't going to come up for Thanksgiving, which is disappointing but understandable. She will instead come up for Christmas, which is nice and good and all, but I'm going to be in HAWAII with my dad for Christmas, so that's too bad. Hopefully she'll be up sometime before the 22nd so that I can see her.

04. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GLENN! Oh, <333

05. I am going into business with myself. Yes, I am. I am so excited. 1. Sweet&Simple Web Design, 2. Marshalla Language, and 3. Scianti Designs. I won't explain further at this point, but it's going to be huge.

06. I got another promotion at Merlino's, and one that actually comes with a raise this time, thank god. What on earth more could you do?! You ask. Well. NOW, I am: sales coordinator, shipping coordnator, customer service, AR, AP, HR, and conceptual design.

Hello!

07. I started smoking. I know, I know. Bad. Oh well. I like it, so there.
The nice thing about smoking is that it means that I get to go outside a lot of the time at work and smoke with Mike and occasionally with Greg and we just talk and talk and BS the time away ;) No, but really, we talk all business and pleasure mixed, and I really am one of them now. I feel like I actually am a major player in the office now and I really do run a big part of the show. It feels amazing. I really, really, REALLY love my job. Every day I leave bouncing and smiling :D

08. I have always loved Rush, ever since I first heard them years ago, anyway. But I really, really, REALLY REALLY REALLY love Rush :D I can't stop listening to Moving Pictures, which I hadn't listened to for almost three years before last week.

Ahhhh - I love life.

So... how are you all?

<333333
:D

oh, lol, hp

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 05:37:51 GMT

Haiku² for incroyable
about to finish me off when they arrived harry and ron tried
@

Created by Grahame

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 02:19:27 GMT

I presently feel the joy, the lonliness, of having just finished a gorgeous book that I know I won't read again for a long time because I wouldn't be able to take it, and the emptiness surrounds me and rings in my ears and all I hear is my breathing and these fingers ticking on keys.

Someday I'll be perfect, but until then, here's trying.

Horoscope Oct 9th

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 17:19:47 GMT

Leo: Instead of getting what you pine for, your yearning only brings about more yearning. It's not destiny's cruel trick. It's your subconscious way of keeping things manageable. When you're ready, you'll have what you want.

Does this mean that if I stop yearning to be thin, I will get there when the universe feels I'm ready?

Maybe if I meditate on it enough, things will take a turn.

lol

Horoscope Oct 6th

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 21:49:25 GMT

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You possess a sweet intelligence, which is most effectively shared in quiet, compassionate ways. Being the outgoing if not outrageous sort, it's difficult for you to be so restrained. But the rewards are rich.

Today has gone wrone in EVERY WAY POSSIBLE!!! But it's been very exciting, and I have come out on top. Somehow :)

I took this advice and encouragement to be smart and efficient and very, very fast at my job, and it has shown my employers, 1., that I can and will take this job by the reins and do everything in my power to make things work and better every day, and 2., that I really, really know what the fuck I'm doing, and can handle this business.

And I've done it all quietly, and without panicing at all.

It feels amazing.

ETA:
Your flamboyant approach may not get as much attention today as you would like, Shanti, so do not push yourself to achieve something that simply is not working. By insisting that something should be done a certain way - your way - you will only create enemies and bottlenecks in whatever task you are trying to accomplish. A more thoughtful, conscious, reserved approach is the thing that is going to take the cake today.

LOL - oh, yes, I used that approach. It worked wonders :D

<333333333333333333333333333

Horoscope Oct 5th

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 19:04:25 GMT

Leo: What you can't do with physical force, you can make happen with directed thoughts. All the best things are accomplished this way today anyhow -- like influencing your loved ones to behave in more loving ways.

I've already changed four policies this mornnig purley by expressing my opinion honestly, directly, and with quirk and cheer. It worked! I was focusing on that which I've been thinking for a while. It's nice.

Out of nowhere, Mike and I are at peace today. After being in an awkward power struggle for over a month now, it feels good to just be people and work on each other's level.

Oh, by the way...

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 17:09:24 GMT

OMFG LOST!!!
askdjlaksjlksksksjljsdlaldakskka

hello! what?!

Horoscope Oct 4th

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 15:53:26 GMT

No one can be "sweetness and light" all the time. Your shadow self emerges this afternoon. Try to accept it. It's only in the darkness that you can see the stars.

Yeah. Not this afternoon... now.

not fair

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 01:36:09 GMT

I want, I want, I want!

Ah, debt. What a bitch.